~Masks~

One thing I've been thinking about recently are the masks I own. I'm fairly certain they are the same masks EVERYONE owns... happiness, strength, determination, anger, etc. Those emotions we "put on" to hide deeper, more vulnerable feelings. When I'm honest with myself, I can say that fear, rage and loneliness are my big three. Those are the main emotions I battle. Most of the time I win, sometimes I lose and when I lose...it's {as my son says} EPIC. I have an amazing life. A husband who adores me, children who are healthy, brilliant and loving, as well as a home that I treasure. Yet, I still battle back those damn demons from my childhood. I keep hoping that one day I'll open my eyes and it will all be erased, gone forever from my memory. One big black blissful hole in my mind. But, no. It's always there. So, I continue to pull from my cabinet of masks. 

Everyone has their own cabinet of masks,
whether they choose to claim them or not.

~Life, I suppose~

Christmas is in five days...

   In five days our kids will be seeing presents under the tree, eating ham, spending time together and grumbling about being pinched, poked and prodded. I opened the half-dozen cards we received over the weekend and one was from my brother. The last time we spoke, well, we weren't speaking. He was yelling horribly hurtful things, I hung up on him and ended up throwing my cell phone across the kitchen. That was on August 16th and we haven't spoken since. This morning I also read a message from my sister..."I love you and miss you dearly". Couldn't help but laugh. The holidays are sure making them sentimental. I wonder if she remembers telling me that I was weak because I am still affected by my childhood, and as for the memories of our father sexually molesting me, her words were "just get over it". A lifelong friend turns away in anger over minor disagreement, leaving me confused and hurt.

   No desire to reconcile and repair, relationships thrown away like discarded wrapping paper. Is it the season? Is it the darkness of this holiday? What can be causing this blanket of black mood? Well, I've chosen to walk away. Reaching out has not worked, so I turn away and live my life without these individuals.

   Goodbye to my siblings...goodbye dear friend. Good luck to each of you. I cannot leave my heart broken...
that's life, I suppose.

~The Lighthouse~

Darkness below my feet,

light above.

Ascent my only option.

Sharp voices beat the cold bricks.

Icy, worn stone

made hundreds of years ago by icy, worn men.

Darkness bites my feet

threatens to drown,

as I look up at a brilliant, warming light.

Not alone

yet

alone while

blackness crushes me...

Emerging beneath

warmth,

beneath life,

I look down and know...

with ascent,

there is descent...

and darkness
patiently

waits for me.