~The Retreat~ Post #2

so many things have been called into question in my mind, regarding many things, this year.

as you are learning, i'm not one to hold my emotions in, as far as writing goes. they have to come out, otherwise i drown in them. after having many, many discussions with my sweet Steve about the direction in which our life is going over several months, this blog came to mind.

what do you do when in your pursuit to help others... those closest to you decide to turn on you in anger, unable to understand your motives to undertake this task?

allow me to explain. 13 years ago i volunteered for Hospice in San Diego and it was a wonderfully fulfilling experience. i had to leave due to the impending birth of my second child and never got the chance to go back. once we got here, i saw they had a lovely Hospice facility and have longed to go back. this past book signing season, every event, 2 or 3 people that came up to me to discuss the book would be connected with Hospice. i took that as a sign that i was being directed BACK, i was being TOLD to go back. so i signed up and have completed the training. i signed up to be on the Bereavement Team as well as go into the Joyce Goldenberg Hospice Inpatient Residence Center. i want to give back... i want to help. that's all. in the paperwork, i had to give two references, so i gave them. i guess they sent out some paperwork, asking questions. one of the people called me. drunk.

he started off asking if i was sure i wanted to do this. i assured him the best i could. he then started getting mean. talking down to me. as if i was stupid for doing this. calling me shallow for thinking i could help ANYONE, when i'm still dealing with my own issues. "i'd forgotten about November 19th until YOU moved back into town! i mean, who makes their kids celebrate a dead womans birthday? that's just morbid! to sit down and watch a movie, eat food she made... makes no sense. when she died, her dates died for me. i don't understand why you would put your kids through that!" i was floored. how is that an issue? he THEN said that he is positive i am doing this NOT to help others, but because i want to get something out of it for myself. i told him that it wasn't true.
i just want to help people that are currently going through what we went through. he yelled "AND I THINK YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT!" this continued until i finally said i had to go.

he ended the conversation by saying "i think this is a mistake. when you hit that hiccup in the road, AND YOU WILL, just know you can call me and talk to me. i'm here for you. and i love you."

how do you balance a life of peace with a lifetime of turmoil? can you?

hanging up the phone, i sat down, shed a few tears, and told Steve that i just wanted to leave. leave everything. get in the van and drive until the tank was empty, he looked at me and said:
"I was just thinking I wish I could take you away from here".

later on, in the middle of a glass of wine it struck me that in my deepest heart i'm a solitary person for a reason. because if i lock my inner-self away, i can't be hurt. and i felt myself retreat from everyone again.